I'm at work but I feel awful and just want to zone out and go home. Sadly, Wolkotron has cried twice already today..in the bathroom. Ew it was so girlie and gross. My coworkers are assuming something is up but I'm just like "I'm so tired." Whatevs. I can't deal with this. But what I can say is Ashlee Simpson knew what was up. Word. Carla.

So anyway. If you wanna do something tonite to cheer me up...I'd love that.

On a brighter note, I lost 5 lbs in two days. Oh yaaa.

Bye.

Date:	2006-07-18 02:02
Subject:	7/18
Security:	Public
Mood:	jubilant
Music:	the soothing sounds of a warm summer nite

FANTASTIC EVENING...PERFECT...JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

Date:	2006-07-16 18:07
Subject:	PSU
Security:	Public
Mood:	giddy
Music:	the banging downstairs

What up ART FEST?

Yoooo...so Saturday I went to the Arts Fest. I did ditch Mel cause I fucking hate Ryan Cabrera and also because I had already told the FIRE guys I would go with them but of course they called me last minute so i had to cancel my Mel plans but whatevssss....she'll bitch me out later I'm sure. Whatever. There seems to be a lot of that going around.

So on to the Fest....I went with Acton, Tim, and Mike from work...they are mad cool guys. I really feel happy to be getting to know them. They are like people I can see wanting to stay in touch with. You never find just normal down to earth guys guys at Hopkins...they are all pretentious posh ponces. I think it's funny also how cool I can act with guys...I'm a tomboy trapped in a trendy girl's body. I rock anyway.

So we are going to the fest and I'm driving and the direction said like 3 1/2 hrs..and I'm like fuck that we are gonna get there in 2 1/2. So I'm flying at like 95 the whole way...OMG THE POPO.. THAT'S RIGHT. I got stopped by the police. This dude comes out of the car. I roll down the window, all I can see is his nose and his chin and in this militant voice he screams "75 IN A 55.. LICENSE REGISTRATION PROOF OF INSURANCE"" and I'm like freakin' out cause despite my poor and reckless driving skills I have yet to receive a ticket. So, I'm like "wait I'm a fucking girl with a low cut shirt" so I like put on this real real sweet voice and am like "i'm so sorry sir...we are so lost and everyone keeps yelling at me where to go and I'm so sorry" and the guy cuts me off and is like WHERE ARE YOU GOING..arts fest? and I'm like "I'm so sorry" and he cuts me off again and is like just screaming at me ARE YOU GOING TO THE ARTS FEST. and I'm like gritting my teeth and keeping the saccharine going...any way the officer takes my stuff and goes back to his car and then he makes us wait for like at least 15 minutes...another cop car comes and we are all just like WHAT THE FUCK. and then the guy comes back and is like "i'm just letting you off with a warning BUT NEXT TIME YOU WONT BE SO LUCKY. So, that was really awesome...and the whole way to penn state we just made fun of him saying how much he was like the guy in super troopers and when we got to the party the guys told everyone that we got out of the ticket cause i flashed the cop my tits ...

Ok. Now. PSU is insane i've never seen anything like it. It's a city filled with young kids. Its really cool. But, I could never go to a place like that. I'd get lost in the shuffle and end up living in my room like a reclusive bag lady...how is this different than my hopkins experience...i CHOOSE to live that way.

The party was crazy lame. We made fun of everyone.. there was this 50 yr old man there that was so creepy and I was afraid we'd wake up and he'd be watching us sleep. OH CREEPY...and all the kids at the party were like "oh that's so and so he's an alum he comes to all the parties." like they didn't find it weird at all! I think the lameness of the party made it more fun because being drunk was a necessity and i did get pretty trashed. LoL. I looked so sketchy I was like standing next to Acton and we were just smoking cigarettes and angrily staring at people. Looking sketchy is definitely fun.

So the rest of the time we just hung and talked...and I really like had a good time despite the ostensibly lame party. I think the guys are really awesome. I talked to other people...but I mostly hung out with the guys. Its cool tho and I didn't mind...they didn't make it awkward or anything...Oh man and we all slept together in this room that was so fucking hot. And I was sleeping on like a Lazy Boy recliner and this guy comes into the room at like 6 so drunk and stands over me and goes THAT CANNOT BE COMFORTABLE NO SIR...u should definitely come sleep on my couch." and then he starts humming and acton in like half sleep hums the rest of the song...and things are getting so weird. and then this kid proceeds to stand in front the fan and make these noises with his lips and im like wtf is going on...

Where is this going its too fucking long and you probably don't even care. So whatever. Parties seem to be less eventful when you're only goal is to get drunk...

luff ya folks...bye bye the hippies are here and I must go talk to them about how we will overcome the metaphysical slavery of the bush administration.

All is well that ends well.

Date:	2006-07-02 22:40
Subject:	I've packed a change of clothes and its time to move on...
Security:	Public
Mood:	morose
Music:	Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes

I am a goth now.

I have 11 minutes before works starts so I figured I'd update this thing with some more of my musings.

I guess I'll have to devote this entry to "the old guy." So, I went down to Bmore to visit him this past weekend. I was sort of looking forward to it, and sort of not. He had seemed to be changing a lot to me. Like kind of condescending and apathetic and I was like "i do not need this shit." But, I wanted to go down for other "reasons." Or at least to see if that was how it was going to be because like I said before I had kind of started to like him fo serious.

Anyway, I go down on Saturday..pretty late because I was exhausted. I was like falling asleep at the wheel and it was raining so badly that you couldn't see like ten feet in fron of you car. I honestly did not think I could make it there and considered turning the car around. But, whatever I finally made it to Bmore...but I got off at a new exit and ended up in Dundalk (most like Berlin or maybe Gloucester) whatever its shitty and I started freaking out because I was lost and tired and I started whining/crying and drove over a median...and let me say I was quite proud of the Element at that moment for withstanding dangerous terrain.

So, about "the old guy." He tried really hard this weekend to be nice to me LOL. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing but he like apologized if he's hurt my feelings and attempted to actually care about my job and things like that...things that were really bothering me. That meant a lot. He treated me really nice. We didn't fight at all which was pretty uncommon for the two of us. I had a really nice time. It sucks though cause here I am trying to convince myself he is an asshole and to just get rid of him because he won't treat me the way I think I should be (ever) and then I go down there and remember all the stuff that made me like him so much to even continue dating.

But, at the same time it still does suck because I still can't see this possibly going anywhere. I feel bad because I know my age is a big problem for him. He thinks everyone will find it creepy and I know he's embarrassed when he introduces me to people and my shyness does not do anything to offset the creepiness...and I feel bad also because I know he likes to go out to bars and do older people stuff and I really can't. But, I mean it's not my fault...I can't do anything about it. It doesn't bother me...I have a lot of fun with him doing other stuff and just being together...I mean I barely see him. I much prefer watching a movie than going to some bar filled with people I have no interest in talking to. Whatever. I mean he knew what he was getting into from the beginning. I'm not going to apologise for my age..if he feels bad about it then I guess he can find someone more appropriate. But I just see us as being strangely compatible.

Le Novel - Excerpt (I can post more) ... tell me if this is at all interesting cause this is like the main vein

He was leaning against the car. He was quiet. He picked at his nails. I wished he had a cigarette. It would make him seem much more James Dean, which I knew he was aiming for. He looked at me from the corner of his eye. Butterflies hit the edges of my stomach but I kept it all inside. He wasn’t the kind of guy whose arms you jumped into and kissed all over. You pretended like you weren’t happy to see him. You pretended like you had a million other things on your mind. You pretended like every other guy in the world was chasing you, and he was the last person you needed to see.
“What are you doing here?”
“Came to see you, Kid.”
“Well, you’ve seen me.”
“Big Homecoming Dance tonight?”
I motioned to the white outfit, “Wouldn’t be caught in this otherwise.”
“You look thinner than when I left. Are you eating?” He pinched my stomach.
I hit his hand away, “All the time.”
“Who was that guy in the fancy automobile?”
“Jared.”
“Jared Who?”
“Brooks.”
“Oh noooo. You’re dating Brooksie.”
“Well, it’s not like I’m dating you.”
“Oh the angst.”
He looked at me some more. A little smile passed over his face. He loved it. The little game we played. He loved it so much and somehow he was always the winner.
“Don’t be coy with me,” I threatened.
“Do you want to know about who I am dating?”
“No, and I’m not dating him.”
“Oh, then we are both single for the time being.”
“For the time being.”
It was almost tiring me out this conversation. I wanted to just go into the house and go to sleep. I resented him? Damn right.

He reached over to me. The playground was quiet. This was our spot. We’d come here at night and hang out. Sometimes he’d sing to me softly while we stared up at the sky. Sometimes we’d talk about what it meant to be young. When the sun came up, that would be our cue to leave. I loved looking at his profile. He had a beautiful profile. He wasn’t hot, people told me. I always thought he was the best looking guy at our school. I didn’t remember anyone ever being as good-looking as him. But it wasn’t just his bright blue eyes offset by the dark hair. It was the philosophy he spouted, the knowledge he held. I wanted as much of him in me as I could have. And he admired that I was wiser than my years. He called me Kid but he was the one who felt like he lacked experience. I had lived 100 more lives than he ever would.
He clasped my hand tight, “I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“I know,” I answered quietly. I did not want to disturb the peace.
“I think we should just be friends while I’m away. There’s going to be a lot of opportunity for you here. You shouldn’t be tied down now.”
I wanted to protest. But, I knew when he said, “you shouldn’t be tied down” he meant “I shouldn’t be tied down,” and I wasn’t going to demand he stay. He’d cheat. He’d lie. It would be ugly. I wanted our relationship to always be beautiful. I wanted to always remember us in love. I wanted it to always be quiet playgrounds on perfect starlit nights.
“Can we see each other when you come back?”
“An open relationship,” He suggested.
“Yeah, like we’ll talk and everything while you’re away, and when you come home we can hang just like this. But, you can see other people, and so can I.”
“Yeah, that could work.”
“Then, it’s agreed.”
He kissed me. I kept my eyes open. I knew I was saying goodbye to him in that kiss. Through all this talk of an open relationship, somehow I knew I was just setting myself up to be used.

“I haven’t heard from you in a few weeks,” I said. I had given up hope on Mike. I thought about him a lot, but he hadn’t called since that five-minute call he offered before heading out to a party.
“I’m sorry. It gets busy. I miss you though.”
“Well, thanks for dropping by,” I added and made my way towards the door.
He grabbed me by the arm. I felt everything in my body lurch. My palms sweated profusely. My heart was leaping through my chest. I had the stomach flip. I felt everything rush into me. I looked into his eyes and in one moment I was back. In one moment, he was the only home I had ever known. In one moment, I was back in love. What should I have done? I wanted to hate him, but his touch flooded all my senses. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t.
I knew he was using me. Even when I led him upstairs, I knew he was using me. Even when I undressed, I knew he was using me. Even when I let him kiss my mouth and my breasts, I knew he was using me. Even when I felt him inside of me, I knew he was using me. Even when I felt myself contort with a familiar pleasure, I knew he was using me. Even when I saw him roll over and fall asleep, I knew he was using me. But I was in love with him, and if I could be close to him this way, I would let him use me.

The next weeks went by as quickly as the weather changed from summer to late fall. It had been an Indian summer. The weather stayed warm until the middle of October. Then a week later, we were putting up a few Halloween decorations and shivering. Pulling out our winter coats, we headed into November, cold.
I had been spending a ridiculous amount of time with Jared. He helped me a lot in Calculus. In fact, by the end of the marking period, I was actually scraping by with a B plus. At night, we smoked with Jen. He was an interesting person, but he really just liked hearing Jen and I debate the world. The three of us hung out in my garage. It was a pretty good time. Jen would whip out her guitar and play us some chords. Jared and I would sit lazily against the wall. I had put a heater in the garage, so out little hiding spot remained useful even as the winds blew chilly. I hadn’t seen his friends much. I didn’t think his friends and I had a lot in common. He preferred sitting with Jen and me in the hollowed room, as did I. We weren’t burnouts as our demeanors might tell you at night. We were just three kids escaping the monotony of Orangetown, NJ for a few hours.
Since my nights had become tied up with Jared, I had started seeing less of Nick. He dropped by one evening unexpectedly.
He ranged the doorbell repeatedly. This was a point of contention between the two of us. He knew I hated the chiming of the bell, so he’d repeat it endlessly until I was forced to run down the stairs at lightning speed and let him into the house.
“Hey, Maddy,” He greeted and walked into the house.
“Hi,” I hesitated, “What are you doing here?”
“Well, don’t look so happy to see me,” He said as he flopped onto my red leather sofa.
“What are you doing here?” I repeated. I was happy to see him, but I felt that he had other intentions besides just saying hello.
“I miss you,” He said sadly, “We haven’t hung out all week.”
I gave him a half smile and sat down next to him on the couch, “I’ve been busy. I’ve been working a lot on Calc.”
“With Jared?” He tried to sound interested but his tone revealed his jealousy.
“Yeah…actually I’m getting a B plus in that class.”
He smiled, “Oh, then he’s really helping you.”
Nick thought because Jared had taken me to the Homecoming, we’d be an item the next day. But, Jared and I were still feeling each other out. Both of us had come off tumultuous relationships and didn’t really want to leap into something new right away. We were happy as friends for the time being. Nick didn’t know Jared was coming over nightly. I’m sure he would have been pissed to hear that. Because he didn’t see us together in school, he figured Jared had already dropped me, and he was happy that Jared had been regaled to being a tutor solely.
“Yeah, he’s a good tutor,” I stated. I didn’t need to tell him any more. Jared and I weren’t anything to talk about. If it became more, I would let him in on our relationship. But, for now, I didn’t want to hear Nick go on about how much of jerk Jared was. “Do you want to watch TV?”
He nodded so I threw him the remote. He flipped through the channels endlessly. We didn’t talk much. Our eyes were glued to the television set. Sometimes I wondered if Nick and I had run out of things to talk about. If we really wanted to carry on a conversation, we’d bring up some random memory we shared, or trade gossip about a person at school. Most of the things we discussed had been chewed at length, but it’s what we had.
“Do you think it’s too cold to keep running?” He asked. I had used that as my excuse for not joining him in the afternoons.
I shrugged, “Maybe we should go to a gym.”
“That’s a good idea,” He agreed, “Mike’s coming home again this weekend.”
I gasped, “Wasn’t he just home?”
Nick nodded, “My mom wants you to come for a family dinner.”
“When?” I asked.
“I guess Saturday night.”
“Yeah, I’ll come,” I said. I felt myself biting my tongue. I had carried on the relationship with Mike the entire summer. I don’t know why no one told Nick what was going on. Perhaps, we liked the element of secrecy. There was something taboo about dating your best friend’s brother. Every handhold or kiss in the shadows was a moment you could be caught. It was exciting. It was bad. It was the epitome of fling. Why did I let myself fall for him? You know you’re never supposed to fall for that guy.
Anyway, I figured I could keep the charade up for another night.

October 29 – Family Dinner
I walked down to Nick’s house. Mrs. Demarco had offered me a ride, but today was especially warm and I wanted to take advantage of it before the blustery cold returned.
When I got to the house. Mike was standing outside.
“Let’s take a walk,” He said.
“No,” I affirmed.
“We need to talk,” He ordered.
“I don’t want to talk to you. I have nothing to say to you,” I headed for the door.
He grabbed my arms. I fought him to let me go.
“Please, I don’t want Nick to see us,” I whispered.
Staring straight into my eyes, “I’m sorry,” He returned.
“I don’t need to hear that from you. Let’s just not do this anymore,” I replied.
“Please, let’s take a walk.”
“No!”
“Mad, I can’t get you off my mind.”
To hear him say that was stupefying. Actually, ironically stupefying. I had been so consumed with Calculus and smoking that I hadn’t thought about him. When he left the night after we slept together, I knew I wasn’t going to hear from him again. I had consoled myself about it and thrown myself head first into everything unrelated to Mike. The only time I even mentioned his name was when Jared asked me about my past relationships and of course Mike was the only story I had to share.
“I don’t want to be with you like this,” I said. I don’t know what made me speak up tonight, but I was spilling my guts. “Every time you leave me, I’m heartbroken. I can’t deal with it. You don’t call for weeks after you have sex with me. You are using me!”
He grabbed my face and pushed me behind his car, “Be quiet.”
“You are hurting me!”
He moved his hands to my shoulders, “Please, Mad, there is no one like you there. I…I…miss you. I think about you so much.”
“You’re a liar!” I hit his chest, “Stop playing with me! Do you know how it feels to hear you say that and know you don’t want to be with me?”
“I think about you...”
“So what? Shut up! If you think about me so much, why do you never call?”
“I can’t. I never know what to say. I’m with girls there and I don’t care about them…and I think about you while I’m with them, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty all the time. It’s like I’m a big liar. I’m a big cheater. If I don’t hear your voice, it’s like you don’t exist, and I don’t have to miss you, and I don’t have to feel guilty.”
I stared at him, “You are so selfish. You made this an open relationship. You made this, this way!”
He took a deep breath of air, “We’re in too deep here.”
“What?”
“This was supposed to be nothing. This was supposed to be a casual flirtation. Why did we let this get so out of hand?”
I stared at him. I had no words. Hadn’t I known what this was supposed to be? I had in the beginning, but it became more, and I didn’t care. I had been ready to be with him in August, and he pushed me away. I didn’t want to deal with this.
“I think about you. You’re Madison. Fuck! What went wrong in the plan?” He was frantic.
“Fuck, Mike, I’m so sorry that I was better than some stupid slut. Sorry to throw such a wrench in your grand plan. I’m sorry I wasn’t solely the underclass fuck that you would mess with during the summer and then throw away. Fuck! Mike! What the hell?” I pushed him against the car.
“We go so well together,” He whispered, his eyes on mine.
I grasped tighter at his leather jacket. He didn’t let go of my gaze. The wind blew my hair. He brushed it away from my eyes. Both of us silent, as our breaths grew shallow. I was shaking. He ended my tremors when I felt his lips gently brush over mine. There was a desire I hadn’t remembered since the first time we kissed. He was so soft and gentle, but he didn’t let go. I felt him place his thumb behind my ear. His palm was near my face, holding my mouth just where he liked it. I closed my eyes and everything fell into place.
A sharp sound rung out which immediately took us away from the moment. He pulled his hand from my face and frantically reached into his pocket. Pulling out his phone and reading whom the call was coming from, I saw his eyes contemplate whether or not to answer the call. He looked from the screen of the phone into my eyes and then back into the phone.
He walked to the other side of the car with the phone. He turned his back from me. Nervously, he kept running his left hand through his hair, the phone pressed to his face.
I listened in the still night to the conversation. He was whispering, but I could make it out.
“No, Sara, I have to do this family dinner thing. I can come back after.”
There was a moment of silence as another voice bitched back at him.
“I am aware it’s Saturday night, but I told my parents I’d stay for dinner.”
The voice was less screaming now and had returned to a sweet murmur.
“Okay, babe. I’ll leave here around 10. So, I’ll come around 11ish.”
She talked to him more, and I could see him through the window staring at me out of the corner of his eye.
His voice became almost silent, “I miss you too. I’ll see you soon. I can’t wait, either. Bye…Sarbear.”
I could still taste him on my lips. I ran my tongue over them again. I put my hand to my face and forced back tears. I was so stupid. It had felt so real. It had felt so real. But, it wasn’t.
He slowly flipped the cover of the phone. He put it in his pocket and pushed back his hair with both his hands. I heard him take a deep breath.
“Mad,” He sighed as I quickly began to walk past him. He tugged at the end of my shirt.
I pushed him hard, “No!”
“Mad, this girl she means...”
“Nothing to you? She is just a girl I mess around with, Madison. Is that what you tell her about me when she’s going down on you? Or do I just mean nothing to you? I’m not about to stick around and play this game with you. I am so sick of thinking about you!” I looked in his face. It had no words at that moment. He was fumbling to find a note card or anything that would help him out of his newfound jam. He was so close to having me wrapped around his finger. He just needed one line, and he could break me. I didn’t want to be broken. I slammed my fist on the front door to Nick’s house.

Le novel - The Truth is You Can Never Return
ISW

Ch. 1

Flick. Flick. Flick. Every ember of this cheap cigarette floated gently to the ground. My hair, now an eerie dark shade, slapped my face as a chilling breeze hit me. I looked around. Dank. Dark. Dreadful. He smiled. Was it smugly? Was it thankfully? I wasn’t sure. I didn’t care. I was dead. Hooking his belt, he looked at me. A hint of pity crossed over his eyes. To him, I was just some stupid girl…some stupid girl who would fuck anyone who told me I had a pretty face.
“I’ll call you,” He lied.
I grabbed at my bare arms. I pictured my black leather jacket strewn carelessly over my bed and cursed it for not keeping me warm. I threw the butt of the cigarette on the ground. I looked at it for a few more seconds. My knee jerk reaction was to step on it. People always stepped on the butt as if that would completely end all possibility of it reigniting. But, a part of me wanted the cigarette to reignite. I wanted to see this cheap alley burning. I wanted to be burning. I wanted to feel my skin burning off piece by piece. It would be the only way I’d remember what it was like to be alive. I stared at the brown paper. Looking up at the streetlight, I let a few words tumble from my mouth. I turned around one more time to see him still standing there. Now, his hand was outstretched and a wad of cash pointed in my direction. I thought about the moisture, preceding a big snow, that was making my hair frizz. I thought about how the dark, carefully applied eyeliner was now smudged and staining my cheeks. I thought about how my clothes were shifted and sullied, and how blank my eyes were. I thought about how I needed some validation, and took the money from his cold, unfeeling hand.
“Are you going to be okay,” He asked as if he actually cared.
But, I didn’t say anything. I shifted my black leather skirt so the zipper was on the side of my hip. He had gotten what he needed. I had lost whatever I had. It was dark and quiet. Shady and frightful. My lungs heaved. The chill made it impossible to take in the air I needed, but I felt I had too much already anyway. I could feel my lungs closing in. I could feel every moist pocket collapsing. My heart squirmed as if it was a mound of worms under a microscope. I knew I was dying. Well, I wished.
But, when I ended up on Jay’s doorstep, I knew I had gone too far. I saw every particle of my body leaping off a cliff except for my brain that stood in front of his door. I couldn’t stop my brain...or was it my heart. Or was it nothing. It seemed more like nothing to me. I think I just needed some validation. I needed someone to tell me “everything will be alright.” I needed to be held and coddled and told I was beautiful, and in a city of millions, he was the only one left that could possibly take me down that road.
The yellow vehicle left me there, I looked to the left and saw nothing, To the right, I saw no one. I was completely alone in a desolate ghetto where nobody cared at all. I pounded his button. The buzzing didn’t stop. It rang over and over and over in my ears, driving me crazy. Then, the snow began to fall. It fell on my eyelids. It grazed my naked skin and burned. A million little lacerations. I pressed the button again.
“Hello?” A drowsy voice ended the drone.
“I’m cold.”
“Madison, it’s nearly 4 am. What the hell are you doing here?”
Maybe there was an actual answer to that question. “I’m trying to fuck with your head to make myself feel better. I’ll tell you I love you, so you’ll say it back, but I won’t mean it. I want you to hold me, so I won’t feel so alone. Validate me. Substantiate my existence.” The snow began to fall faster now. Cold pervaded the air. Huge chunks of fluff suffocated me.
“Madison, are you there?”
“It’s so cold out here, Jay.”
But, I didn’t hear what he said next. My eyes drifted towards the sky. Every flake intrigued me. I wanted to hold each in my hand, and examine its little facets. I wanted to see what made each unique. How was each different than the beautiful flake that fell beside it? But, as each one touched the ground, it died on impact. They were all different in the air, but each flake met the same fate. On earth, they melted into the ground and were nothing.
The next thing I felt was a woolen blanket being draped over my shoulders. It was red. Everything else was black including Jay’s eyes. His eyes were just blank and lifeless. He didn’t love me anymore.
“I need to go,” Words spurted from my mouth like blood out of a cut artery.
“Madison, you look terrible.”
“I miss you. I think I love you,” I lied, and he could tell.
“Don’t do this, Mad. C’mon, neither one of us needs this right now.”
My breathing became labored. I was so cold. Everything surrounding me was made of stone…Fuck...his eyes. His eyes were so, so blank. Nothing here could help me. I was overdrawn. All I wanted was for him to say it would be alright, but he didn’t. Like everyone else he was leaving me out in the cold. He was abandoning me. He was done with me.
I dug my fingers deep into his forearm, and watched as his eyes became little slants, “I can’t believe how you’ve just thrown me away.”
His eyes grew and floated over my face, “I didn’t do this to you. I loved you.”
“Put me together, Jay. Please, put me together.”
“No, I can’t. You pushed me away.”
Then, he took me outside and opened another cab.
I stared blankly at him. Time stopped. Wind howled. The buildings screamed. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.
I opened my eyes wide to see the plastic partition dividing me from the mundane world. All my demons sat next to me in some car that smelled of human sweat. They wouldn’t shut up. They kept yelling in my ear, “Go home.”

Ch 2
The truth is you can never return to the place you left. It’s exactly how you remember it, but you aren’t that person you remember any more. Time has changed you, but that place has remained unaffected. You can’t stand its awful truth. You’ve become jaded, older, guarded, while it is unchanged. Where did you go awry? Why hasn’t it? Do you really want what you had in this place? Does it really matter anyway?

Date:	2006-06-21 00:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	none

I WON THE BLOG CONTEST AT WORK!!! I'M THE BEST INTERN IN THE WORLD!!!! So, what do I get? Nothing but the sweet, sweet satisfaction that I'm the best! Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ilana, it's great you won the contest, but now you'll have to work even harder to stay on top." Well I say, fuck that shit. It can only go downhill from here. Pretty much like everything else in my life. Weak start, pathetic finish.

Curly jew fro tomorrow will suit me well.
Frustration surmounts.
I can't say anymore than has already been said. But, I'm so tired of trying. and that's all I have to say about that.
Let it ride, let it flow.

I wrote this cool thing for pop music class that I'm going to post cause I like it. Oh maybe I'll post the first chapter from the novel...shit i need to get on that...I'm 1/2 done so that's cool. I bet its going to end up being like three hundred pages of goodness...greatness even.

"Wear shorter skirts
Learn how to flirt
So someone will show some interest

Perfumed necks and painted cheeks
Straight hair and black eyeliner
A disgusting dishonesty that reeks
Of girls who color their face to hide their face
In hopes of finding the one prince who speaks
Of real love and magical kingdoms in a faraway place"

thats just a snippet...but i like that part and was reading it a few minutes ago and was like NOW I MUST POST. okay bye. im oding later.

Date:	2006-06-18 16:51
Subject:	Last night she said baby I feel so nice
Security:	Public
Mood:	Good weekend, I'd say
Music:	Robbie Williams "Feel"

So yesterday was great.

Carla and I hung out pretty much all day. First, we went to Short Hills and got sweet potato fries . MMMMM. AND WE SAW DANIELLE STEIN THERE. I fucking hate that bitch ever since she told me she wanted to be a supermodel in 6th grade. I wonder how that is working out for her? Presumely, not well.

Then, we went to my house and tried to watch a dvd. It was futile. Despite the fact that we've spent thousands of dollars on the ten tvs in our house, we apparently have no means to watch a dvd. So, we really wanted to watch 13 going on 30 even tho we've both seen it a billion times. So, we go to carla's house and she pulls out the dvd case but guess what!!! we forgot it at my house. that's right we drove fucking from one end of voorhees to the other for no reason. so, we watched the downloaded version on her computer. But, only selected parts. Oh I want Mark Ruffalo so bad. He's so cute and sweet and awkward. mmmm love it. So, after that we watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. I was so upset when Denny died. He was my favorite. Then, they played that snow patrol song "chasing cars" and I wanted to cry. But, I didn't cause I don't have tear ducts.

MMM then for dinner we ate cold stone. birthday cake remix with cookie dough...fucking a beautiful mess.

THEN I WENT TO KEN'S PARTTTTTTTY. IT WAS SO AWESOMEEEE. I LOOKED SO HOT. I got so crunk. I didn't want to vomit like last time, so i tried to drink less. Carla came and I think she had a pretty good time. She never drinks but I think she was amused by the rest of us. Dave introduced us to his new gf and she seemed like a pretty sweet girl. Yeah, a nice girl. If he likes her that's what's important..oh well. She had to go home early. LIMP BIZKIT WAS THERE!!! I LOVE HIM NO LIE. I think he's going to choke me one of these parties, and I wouldn't mind lol. aww uncle nick was not there. that sucked I missed him. There were some other cool people there and the one guy who tried to kiss me last time when I was completely obliterated fucking jerk. Dave came back later and we did shots of rum which was so great. Then, we went to a bonfire in Mt Laurel. It was hilarious so jersey. This kid had a swimming pool indoors. The kid at this house kept asking me all these questions because i think I'm the only girl who has ever talked to him. No, but on the real tip that nite was awesome. The pool was great too. I had so much fun. Oh man I was so happy. It was just really nice. and no awkward hook ups to regret the next morning made it even better.

so I'm out like Elton John.

Date:	2006-06-16 13:06
Subject:	I'M AT WORK
Security:	Public
Mood:	YAY
Music:	U2- "Crumbs from Your Table"

LOL!!! I'm at work, but I'm updating my LJ. I swear I'm not being anti social or slacking off. I'm taking this job vuurrry seriously. In fact, my mentor said she thought my blog was "one of the better ones." I'll take that with a grain of salt tho, because I'm pretty convinced she has a thing for me. But, c'mon, I'm hot. Who wouldn't? Wait, I'm lying. I'm sort of being anti social, but it's not my fault. Everyone went outside and I was going to meet up with them, but then there was a rally for african americans and I did not think I'd fit in very well, so I got discouraged and went back into the building expecting that they had returned there. But, much to my dismay, they hadn't. So I stayed online. I've realized I spend more time online than I do sleeping. Is that sad? No ITS FUCKING AWESOME.

I'm in such a good mood now. I just ate a FANTASTIC turkey sandwich. It def could give WaWa a run for its money. What's that you say? No way! WaWa is king? Yeah you're right it is.

Being an intern is funny. It reminds me of Monica Lewinsky. I should go down on someone in charge and then start my own bag company. Fantastic.

The boys just came back in. They ate two pounds of salad! Isn't that amazing! Not really. Fuck. Let's rock V-town this wknd. Actually, I want to go to Baltimore still, but I don't think Alex wants me to come. Oh well. Ok I'm gonna go now.

Fuck the man.

Date:	2006-06-15 19:48
Subject:	Cool beans.
Security:	Public
Mood:	what the fuck is w/ that pic
Music:	"Boys Don't Cry"- The Cure

Dude, I do not feel good...at all. Agh pain...THE PAIN!!!!

I am bonding with the girls at work!! a first for a cunt like me.

Sex and the city is an absolute must.

Call me with plans for the weekend...I'm suddenly available.

KEN'S HAVING A PARTY THIS WKND!!! THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST

Haha..I went out to dinner with my mom's friend tonight...we are apparently dating guys in the same age bracket...wow...

Carla has returned to the 'hees!!! HAZAAAAAAA

Lastly, I'm a fantastic person.

Bye.

Date:	2006-06-14 22:41
Subject:	Um. Seriously?
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	"Undiscovered" Ashlee Simpson

So, today was day three of Ilana pretending to be Mary Tyler Moore. And, truth be told, it's going pretty well. I'm getting comfortable with the people I work with, so I'm not as awkward as the first day. Which is a relief...because I didn't want to be like "that" girl. Today I looked fucking awesome. Dressed up in black and attitude. Oh man I looked so hot. I think the starvation diet is actually working...although I did have a terrible stomach ache today. I don't think eating oranges on an empty stomach is a good idea. Agh. I should be blogging for work, but eh...I'm not sure where I want to go with that. What else? Ehhhhh......

Exhausted most of the time...I fall asleep randomly esp on the train home from work. I love the train I get to meet so many people and mmm so many men in suits. I saw this guy in a gray suit and it made me really happy cause it reminded me of alex and this gray suit that he wears that I love. Then, I missed him. But then I called him and he just flipped personas and was so mean and he's so ugh. Its frustrating. It's like this pseudo relationship. I know he thinks I'm so dumb because of my age. That's the hardest part because I've prided myself on being so much more than just some dumb girl. It's so hard for me to be a good listener and supportive and to empathize and all this bullshit that goes along with being a gf...but I've been fucking trying hard. Try to be less guarded. Try to compromise. Try to be in a relationship...it's not something I do. And I've been trying because I thought I really liked him...but I don't know...It's all on my side, and I don't know... I'm just a fun thing for him. Yeah this is fucked up. Leave it to me. Whatever. I don't care. I knew it would be this way. Brick. Brick. Brick. I'm just going back to not feeling anything...I'm closing up now before it gets worse...its so much easier that way

Fuck. But on th real tip, I'm gonna be so hot soon. Yeah. Angelina baby. Angelina. Shit. I should get those blue contacts. That would be fucking sweet. Yeah. Oh that would be so hot. Yeah. When I get back to Bmore in Sept. Things will be different. Yeah. Things will be so much different. I will be different...and I'm going to start now right this second. I need a change...badly. Once I get my shit in order maybe I can actually live at Hopkins. I don't know...I'll probably still suffocate there. I should get out of Baltimore, undoubtedly. Yeah...hmm...nyc sure is nice....or maybe even Boston...yeah Boston how 'bout it...or California...yeah California....anywhere but Baltimore...

Laters.

Date:	2006-06-12 21:01
Subject:	FIRST DAY OF WORK.
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained, today was crazy
Music:	"Move Along" All-American Rejects

Ya...so today was my first day of work. I went to bed at 2:30 and still got up at 5! I went to the gym before work. I thought that I wouldn't go after if I didn't. I must lose 25 lbs before i go back to school. I want to look anorexic like lindsay lohan with the huge head but tiny body. I think that would be cool. I'm also going to start doing lines of coke and kissing mexican boys. So, anyway, I went to the gym...and Nick Carter was not there. I was pretty upset...he is my motivation for living ... I mean for going to the gym...we are totally going to fuck on the elliptical or in the yoga room that would be fun wouldn't it. This really has nothing to do with the posted topic but whatever. One more thing about the gym ... actually 2... first there is this old guy that looks like The Russian from SATC...and he looks so cool because I was secretly attracted to the Russian more than I was to any of the others on the show. I think it was cause he was old and bitchy and I like workaholics. Secretly. Secretly. Anyway, on that note, so the Russian was there and this dude like runs four miles and its really cool cause he's pretty old like 48...and his hair gets all sweaty and like drops on his face and whatever. I saw him jump on an elliptical I guess to cool down so I jumped on the one next to him...I don't know why I just thought he seemed cool. And this dude started talking to himself!!!! Oh my god. He was having like a conversation with himself!!! OMGGGGGGG it was so hilarious, I had to go run instead because I kept trying not to laugh but couldn't help it. So, I change machines and there was that girl ummmmmmmm fuck Stefanie something or nother...whatever she was Dan Bernstein's bitch you know who I am talking about . OMG DAN BERNSTEIN AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

OK. SO ABOUT THE FIRST DAY.

Ok so I get out of the gym and I'm fucking tired cause at this point I'm running on 2 1/2 hours of sleep...but for me that's not terrible. Anyway, I don't know how...but I start running late. You know I'm taking my sweet old time getting dressed. I don't like the outfit, have to change whatever...so I'm late. I see the train there when I get to the station. So I'm running in heels. Getting whistled at by some wetbacks all this shit....start throwing quarters into the machine... i run thru the turnstyle and my fucking bag gets caught the strap completely rips off...and here i packed this dumb bag because I'm like "I won't get mugged if I don't have an actual handbag" whatever. I hate philly. So here I am all dressed up...big black glasses...looking hot as shit you know...and then clutching this dirty red book bag to my chest. Fuck. That sucked. I wanted to walk in you striking some sort of Angelina look but I just ended up looking like a nerd. You can take the girl out of hopkins...but you can't take the hopkins out of the girl.

Anyway, so we had like orientation today. Everyone is pretty cool. I actually like everyone except for one girl. She's one of those not as smart people so she talks a lot about all these like obscure topics to make herself sound better. I'm like shut the fuck up bitch. Actually, I wasn't. I reallllly like three people. Heather is fucking awesome. She's so sweet. I knew we'd get a long. Then, there are two guys that are really awesome. One guy, Acton, has been like all over the news because he got kicked off his newspaper for printing the Muhammed Cartoons. He like fought with Ann Coulter (fucking hate that dumb slut). Then, this other guy, Tim, is fucking great too. Listen to this. This kid was a fire case. Apparently he lived on the 16th floor of his dorm and it would take forever to get the elevator so he decided to try to urge people that didnt need to take the elevator to take the stairs. So he posted a sign that was like "most girls gain between 10-15 lbs their freshman year of college...don't be one of them...use the stairs." Then, the dumb cunts at his school started to complain and the school charged him with a bunch of shit like "disorderly conduct" and "discrimination". So, he got FIRE involved and they got him back into school. Isn't that cool. I think it is. actually I was just listening cause he's kinda hot whatever. he's cool. Him and acton and some other dude and I ate lunch together. That was fun.

I need to be less socially awkward. I get so nervous when I meet new people and I barely said ne thing but some really dumb jokes. Whatever I'll be okay...I'll get better at it. I just need to get more comfortable with them. Fuck. I am so socially awkward. Agh. Most of these kids are really smart and I am not gonna lie I was pretty intimidated. I like to keep to myself at work any way...but I'd really like to get to know these kids better...they seem like my people you know. I'm just really nervous about the job. I mean I feel like this is a really good cause and something I really want to be a part of. I've never worked in a tank like this before and like the process to get this job was so intense that I feel like I really need to prove myself. I mean I'm sure I'll be fine but I just worry. I always feel like I'm so mediocre. Eh. anyway. One more thing...the ambiguously gay boss...is just gay...but I still have a crush on him anyway. He's pretty nice. I think they will expect a lot from us, but will still sort of nurture us at the same time. So that's good. I like to be pushed, but I don't want to be someone's slave. Any way. If you've read this far you deserve a fucking medal.

Anyway, I need to give this a try. I always say I hate things after dealing with it for two seconds. I will stay with this...I'm sure it'll be great. I feel so tired and drained...how do real people do this every day. Shit. I don't want to grow up. Ok that's totally enough.

See ya later, man eating gator.

Current:
Current mood: content
Current music: Elliot Smith "Memory Lane"
Current taste: Dry mouth
Current hair: long, unkempt
Current clothes: jeans and "Looking for a Dirty Cowboy" tee
Current annoyance: itchy sweater
Current smell: my deodorant
Current thing I ought to be doing: partying
Current windows open: ichat and safari
Current desktop picture: half-naked Brad Pitt
Current favorite band: Radiohead
Current book: FIRE's Guide to Free Speech
Current CD in stereo: um...Natasha Bedingfield
Current crush: my ambiguously gay asshole boss
Current favorite celeb: Vince Vaughn
Current hate:my ambiguosly gay asshole boss

=Do I=
Smoke?: yes but only when drinking
Do drugs?: yes
Have sex?: yes
Give oral sex?: yes
Receive oral sex?: yes
Give hand jobs/finger?: yes
Have a dream that keeps coming back: yes
Remember your first love?: yes
Still love him/her?: probably
Read the newspaper?: yes
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes
Believe in miracles?: no
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: no
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: yes
Consider love a mistake?: yes
Like the taste of alcohol?: no
Have a favorite candy?: yes
Believe in astrology?: no
Believe in magic?: no
Believe in God?: no
Have any pets?: yes
Go to or plan to go to college: yes
Have an obsession?: yes
Have a secret crush?: yes
Do they know yet?: no
Wish on stars?: no
Care about looks?: yes

=Love life=
First crush: Adam Laubach - kindergarten
Single or attached?: attached
Ever been in love?: yes, but not for real
Do you believe in love at first sight?: yes
Do you believe in "the one?": yes
Describe your ideal significant other: Great eyes, like a non fat big teddy bear, funny, conversationalist, unconventional, nice bad boy

=Juicy stuff=
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: no
Have you ever been intoxicated?: yes
Favorite place to be kissed?: lips
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": no
Are you a tease?: no
Shy to make the first move? yes

--APPEARANCE:--
Hair: brown
Eyes: green
Height: 5' 2''

--LAST THING YOU:--
Bought: gas
Ate & Drank: veal parm and ice tea
Read: "Why Europe will run the 20th century" Leonard
Watched on tv: The Shape of Things

--EITHER / OR:--
club or houseparty: houseparty
beer or cider: beer
drinks or shots: shots
cats or dogs: dogs
single or taken: single
pen or pencil: pen
gloves or mittens? gloves
food or candy: candy
cassette or cd: cd
coke or pepsi: pepsi
this or that: this

--WHO DO YOU WANT TO--
kill: Holly Dougherty...no one will miss her
look like: Angelina Jolie
be like: a normal person
avoid: alex

--LAST PERSON YOU--
talked to: alex
hugged: mel
instant messaged: caryn
kissed: alex

--WHERE DO YOU--
eat lunch: i usually sleep through lunch
cry: in my kitchen and tell my parents in what manner I'm going to off myself
wish you were: in baltimore

--HAVE YOU EVER...--
Dated one of your best friends? no
Loved somebody so much it made you cry? no
Drank alcohol? yes
Done drugs? yes
Broken the law? see above
Run away from home? no
Broken a bone? no
Played truth or dare? yes
Kissed someone you didn't know? Fake Kanye West, Halloween Fells Point...so good it hurts
Been in a fight? no
Come close to dying? every time I drive

--WHAT IS--
The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: Probably the whole BSB collection
bedroom like?: A shrine to my childhood while looking strangely mature
Your favorite thing for breakfast? chocolate chip pancakes
Your favorite restaurant?: Fieni's

--RANDOM QUESTIONS--
What's next to you bed?: lamps
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: cereal
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?: Stepmom
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? lipo
What is your biggest fear?: Being raped
What feature are you most insecure about?: anything from the neck down
Do you ever have to beg?: all the time...for sex mostly...
Are you a pyromaniac?: no
do you have too many love interests? yes
Crushes?: yes
Do you know anyone famous?: I've met a few but know none
Describe your bed: big and comfy
Spontaneous or plain?: spontaneous
Do you know how to play poker?: nope
What do you carry with you at all times?: cell

LMAOIAMUSEMYSELF
How do you drive?: badly
What do you miss most about being little?: Being able to act stupid
Are you happy with your given name?: yeah its pretty sweet
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?: a few mil...I'd go on a backpacking trip for a year...but would stay in the finest hotels..take the finest forms or transportation...and eat in the finest restaurants...
What color is your bedroom?: cream
What was the last song you were listening to?: REM "Bad Day"
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?: most of the time
Do you think you're cute?: yeah I'm cute
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?: yeah...it's like get a fucking job...you know
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: not outwardly, but I'd never do anything to deliberately hurt someone
Do you spend more time with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your friends: friends
What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands?: "I wish Carla was here" or "Carla, look!"

Date:	2006-06-10 22:17
Subject:	It's the Summer of 2006.
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	"Summer Skin" - Death Cab for Cutie

It's the summer of 2006....four years ago I was a freshman in high school. I began a livejournal to voice my opinions on various topics. Those topics usually revolved around Josh Rubin, Mike Valente, and how bitchy my friends were. I enjoyed typing bullshit and spraying the intricacies of my childish mind on the internet. One early September day, I deleted all my entries. I do not remember why, and I am quite pissed I did so.

I want to start writing in here again. Mostly because I have nothing to say and bore people in conversation. But, if I can write it all down then maybe someone will read it and enjoy it or be bored online. Also, send me some really cool quizzes so I can answer them and post in here.

I'm also posting this link in my facebook. I hope I rock. I am also listening to Death Cab as I write this. I'm making this really old school.

I want to make a quick comment about Mike Valente and hope he never reads this. What the fuck? Seriously. What the fuck happened there? Seriously. I was so fucked up then. And now I'm even more jaded. The old guy says I'm more jaded than the 30 yr olds he dates...and the truth is that's probably true. But what's weird is I don't even realize how guarded I am. LOL. I'm just like "i'm guarded cause people say i am." well whatever. that's cool.

tonite I went to see "the break up" (yes!! Glory from rent just came on and made me think of Alia and our dorm room) I really do enjoy vince vaughn...a lot. I will marry him...and colin firth...undoubtedly. They are the only two people I will ever marry...as a result I will never marry hahaha...fuck that shit. Oh but the movie...eh Jen Aniston fuck you. I'm totally siding with Angelina on this one. She's prettier than you. Stop being so skinny and whiny. Seriously. Grow some balls. Anyway..the movie was ok...they like drew everything out. But, it definitely had some funny parts.

oh yeah. and the old guy thinks I'm trying to pick up guys on jdate. I'm not. Well except maybe AussieSteveNY...HE'S AUSTRALIAN and lives in NYC....MMM australians are so much cooler than the brits...they are the criminal ancestors of the brits so of course they are cooler..they have edge. I'm totally fucked up..I want a nice guy with edge...whatever. But like c'mon. I'm not picking up anyone. I mean let's face it. I'm Ilana...you have to be totally fucked in the head to want to spend more than five minutes with me. I'll take whatever I can get.

Lastly, leave some comments. Or don't. Whatever. I think secretly reading this and just knowing what's going on with me is so much cooler. I'm glad to bring the livejournal back. It's been too long. Everyone should have one. Post selectively. Like cut out the shitty boring parts of your life and just put your crises and sound like emo bitches. (Please note I'm the original emo bitch) Or all the time like MG used to. Whatever. Take it easy, folks. I'll check ya on the flip side...in hell.